The Bitter Tea Memory

You'll never forget that one time you drank bitter tea with a meal, then spent the entire night on the bathroom floor. And ever since then, you could never drink that one bitter flavour tea ever again, because it made you puke your guts.. bad memories.. (Well, the food probably did, but memory by association right?)

One of the things that conjures bad memories for me like the bad tea, and brings back that anxiety is passing a few girls from high school who instigated and were involved in the outrageous cyber and in-person bullying I experienced. Now before you close this post and assume its 'just another awareness-thing-and-personal-story-on-bullying' please know my focus, rather than raising awareness, although important, is to try and connect with you, my readers. (This is a heavy topic that is close to my heart and a very personal experience, which previously, I have only shared with my closest friends. Please respect my story, and my sharing of it, with only good intentions.) 

Unlike my previous posts, I offer no advice in this, except the following which I feel, though obvious, is necessary to say and is easier said than done: I regret that I didn't ask for help from a parent, teacher or someone with authority at the time, but my hope is that you do seek help, even if you think you can handle it yourself. We all have our time to be independent in due course, but this isn't a Superwoman-only problem. 

Back to bad memories. 

So I was 16 years old, "seeing" a guy before dating him, and the milestone was hit: someone returned my LIKE LIKE feelings after all those lonely years. Big deal for a teenage girl, #amiright? 

First, I was attacked online through Facebook messages, by his ex-girlfriend, his ex-rebound-hook-ups, and their friends. Wholly immature (C'mon, girls, grow up!), inappropriate, jealousy-driven, and unnecessary, but by this day and age, the cyber (online) bullying I faced was not as surprising as it should be for something so widely talked about and unaccepted. 

Second, it moved to in-person + online bullying. Blocking them on Facebook could stop the messages, but not their physical presence. Waiting around my locker or classrooms to talk about me and my new boyfriend, purposely trying to get on my nerves. Finding other ways to send messages fabricating stories about issues with him, which of course, scared the wits out of me. And I mean more scared than I am of scary movies. I was terrified of running into them every day. 

For a girl who could speak her mind since fourth grade without a care in the world, I had suddenly lost the words to stand up for myself. 

After two years of enduring this bullying throughout high school, university felt like the biggest relief to be freed of the torment. Bigger and better things, right?! I didn't realize it would follow me, despite the fact these girls were still in high school. Running into them at McDonald's, in the mall, I'd always think, "Yep, just my luck I'm running into them, even now." *sigh* 

Beyond the fact that these girls were originally associated with this boyfriend, even after he and I were no longer together, passing them in the mall or at the grocery store by chance still inflicts the anxiety and fear from over 5 years ago. 

To this day. 

What makes me sad is that even now, talking about it, writing about it, just like bringing up the bad, bitter tea memory, I realize it is an important part of my teenage years that I have not yet overcome. It still bothers me. I can't seem to let go of it yet. My stomach still drops, my heart beat is still too fast, and my chest is too constricted in fear for me to know if I have forgiven them yet. 

Maybe talking about it will help me work through these bad memories, and find it in me to forgive and look past the bullying I endured. Maybe it won't happen for a while. Maybe, sharing my story will help me see that I was the 'bigger person' by not reciprocating. But am I? 

I do know this: The "Mean Girls" world is very, very real. And that's not a good thing. And having the perspective to see the terrifying truth of this in my twenties now, I think it scares me most thinking about how long and how far girls will go to break the heart and soul of those whom they are jealous.

If you haven't experienced this it may sound like I'm making a mountain or of a molehill, something common that every teenage girl goes through. But if you have experienced something similar, you'll know it's a molehill that IS an unavoidable mountain, that constantly impedes on your life, and it shouldn't be common, accepted, or overlooked. 

Metaphor: Bad tea by association leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth, but one day you will be able to break the association and leave those memories in the past. And enjoy your tea. I believe that one day I will reach the point that I can pass those girls, and though I won't forget, I will not have the same reactions (the tea's bitter taste) as I once did. 

I haven't figured out how, but in the meantime, I'll add a little sugar to my tea and focus on the things that I love and make me feel loved, not worrying about the bitter bullies of the past. 

Felicia 

xx

"Can I get a coffee-half-hot-chocolate please?"

All of these blog posts have been about tea, and since today is a Monday, it's a coffee day, which constitutes a coffee metaphor. Whether you're living the student life, the working life, or the <insert creative stereotype/> life, Mondays are Mondays and nobody likes Mondays (WARNING: MAJOR ASSUMPTIONS BEING MADE).

Back story: During my very short time as a Tim Horton's employee, I noticed some customers spruced up their coffee orders, asking for a "<insert coffee cup size/> coffee-half-hot-chocolate." Almost all of the time, they omitted adding milk and sugar to their drink. Once I tried this combination, I found my new favourite drink. The machines even have a button for half or a quarter of hot chocolate, french vanilla, or English toffee. It's a thing, people.

Front story (Is that a thing?): Today, I was moping about an ex-boyfriend who seems to be getting over me a lot faster than I'm getting over him. Who's with me in this situation? 

[Cue: melodramatic stereotypical situation. Rainy, cold, windy, lonely day. Piles of school work.]

Here I was, Facebook and Instagram-creeping pictures that showed up on my newsfeed via mutual friends, checking out said ex's pretty new friends, chomping on my bag of "double hit" caramel and butter popcorn. With a big English project to write, I figured coffee was an appropriate post-lunch drink. *crunchcrunch* Instead of adding fancy Classic Syrup from Starbucks, hot chocolate was calling my name.

[Cue: coffee + hot chocolate = a less-mopey attitude]

What's the big deal?

Coffee is synonymous with early mornings, late nights, and breakfast most days. Coffee is waking up and starting a new day. Coffee is your weapon against Mondays.

Hot chocolate is a comfort drink (for me at least, and if you don't like hot chocolate, why are you still reading this?!). Hot chocolate is warm goodness on cold spring days back when you played your heart out on the soccer field, in the pouring rain. Hot chocolate, if you make it from the powder mix and not fondue-style (Italy, anyone? I've tried it there!), leaves a gooey, not-so-melted powder mix at the bottom of your mug once you're done drinking.

Today, with the moping Monday-hating attitude I was in, looked at this leftover chocolate stuff and decided there were 3 options:

1. Soak the mug then wash it. (Add baking soda if there are stains from leaving it unwashed)
2. Get a spoon and eat it. 
3. Add milk and make impromptu chocolate milk. 

The first option was just ignoring this goodness and wasting it. The second was a good idea, but involves scraping against the mug and that's weird unless you're eating cake (No offence, hot-chocolate scrapers), and also feels a little desperate. The third option was making the most out of it and turning the drink into something new. 

[Cue: High School Musical 3's "Something New" song]

Metaphor: Mix the things we rely on to keep us going with the comfort things and turn it around! As much we like to dwell on the old, and creep our exes and mope and hold pity parties for ourselves, sometimes the ways we comfort ourselves on crappy days (hot chocolate in coffee on Mondays), present us with new opportunities. Instead of closing our eyes to these options, turn it into a new drink, a new opportunity. 

Like chocolate milk in the middle of the day. 

And enjoy the caramel and butter popcorn. *chompchomp* I highly recommend it.

And my apologies, lactose-intolerant folks, is there a soy milk substitute? Almond milk?

... HAPPY MONDAY PEOPLE (sad attempt at cheerfulness?)

Felicia 
xx

Tea Time Well Spent

You know how some days you walk in your front door after a long day, and just look forward to sitting on the couch, maybe open up Netflix (I'm just guessing that's what people do, I don't even have a Netflix account), and eat nachos and salsa? Then you're like, wait it's Saturday, I'm supposed to be with people and not in my house, being lonely right now? Isn't that a waste of time? Here are my thoughts.

Sometimes, we just need to be alone.

Spending time with "me, myself and I" (no, not me, you! Just... Okay, just say it out loud and you'll get it) is, sometimes, all the cups of tea we need.

Think of it like this. We spend our whole day around other people (maybe you don't, but just play along). Quite a bit of our time is spent in the eyes of other people. I mean, when we get dressed in the morning, it's great to champion the whole "personal-style-rocks-so-I-don't-care-what-people-think" mentality, but most times, professional and presentable is what stops us from wearing pink leggings and a green shirt. Watermelon, anyone?
But in all seriousness, we do spend a lot of time considering how others view us. So don't you think for one night at least, we deserve to just pull on pajamas that don't match, and watch old seasons of Big Brother? (a shameless addiction of mine, I'll admit).

Cliché? Yes, perhaps. But hey, if that's good enough for you, go, by all means and grab those pjs. (But please, shower or something first and wash off that dirt from the day!)

If not, here's my second way to think of it:
How many of you are particular about the cup you use for tea or coffee? Me too. There's only a certain few I'll drink coffee from, and likewise with tea. And BOY, DOES IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO HAVE YOUR FAVE MUG OR CUP. (That's also called attitude, but I didn't take more than Psychology 1000 so I'm just going to suggest that it exists in my head and not claim fact). Unfortunately, these tea cups are usually pretty small, and today I just *had* to have my tea from the small cup. You'll also remember my very first post about hot tea vs. cold tea. Now, I think I've solved the problem myself. After rummaging through the kitchen cabinets and luckily not breaking anything, I found a personal sized teapot and cup (but I just used the tea pot part) and steeped about two and a half cups worth of tea in this little teapot.

It was the perfect size. 

Not only did my tea stay warm and consistent in steeping taste (is that a thing?), but I was able to indulge in another cup and a half, effectively satisfying all tea cravings for the night, over a few hours. WITHOUT HAVING TO REBOIL WATER. #firstworldproblems, right?
At this point, you're probably thinking, oh my goodness, where is this Felicia's rant going about tea all over again?

So I'll summarize today's metaphor.
Personal tea pot. Solves problems of cold tea, and too hot tea, and lonely tea cup (you). Because instead of boiling water for another tea cup, and waiting for more tea, you just pour it out from the personal teapot.
Self-sufficiency is what I call it. Just don't Oxford Dictionary that.
And while this metaphor is 100% flawed and has many loopholes that I have not yet taken the time to work out, I'm at the point where I don't give a sugar cube. Not because I don't add sugar to my tea and have never actually seen a sugar cube, but because it makes sense in my head and that's all that matters. 
Got the point, yet?

Third and final thought, just incase you're still reading and didn't give up after the first thought:

You are complete, in yourself, and being alone when you think you should be somewhere else does not matter. Sometimes we just need one cup of tea, just a little time to ourselves, before we're ready to just back into the world. Other times, we need a few cups of tea, without worrying about too cold, too hot, and oh-I-have-to-boil-more-now (or what other people think of our watermelon outfits). We all need to take time for ourselves, and if that means finding time for personal teapot time, then that time is time well spent.

Felicia
xx

P.S. I've seen these cute little personal teapots everywhere in grocery stores, so grab one next time there's a sale if you have room in your kitchen, and aren't a hoarder like me. The coolest ones have a tea cup on the bottom, and the teapot sits right on top of the cup.