Earl Me Grey

Do you ever feel as though you're the only one on your wavelength? Think, radio frequency.
Maybe you say something and no one catches on, so you just keep it to yourself, in your head, the next time you think you want to say something out loud.

Do you ever feel as though you're drinking Earl Grey from a tea bag, while everyone else is caught up with the latest loose leaf tea blend named after a cosy Christmas feeling?

Sometimes, I don't even feel as though I'm from this time. I was born in the wrong century. Yet here I am, using a computer and completely dependant on my phone. So, what's the deal, world?

No matter how hard I try to catch on to current things going on around me, it always feels like I'm a little out of step. At this point, it's very hard to think something is NOT wrong with you. I mean, sure in Grade 4 you coloured a shield representing all the things you liked to do with stick figures (who are we kidding, I drew full portraits) of the people with whom you are closest, and the big letters on the bulletin board said, "I AM UNIQUE." But aside from that, doesn't it seem like there is some common binding force that bonds people, and most times, you're just not feeling the bonding force field?

Sometimes, the definition of being "unique" feels more like an imprisonment to a lonely world, rather than a celebration of differences. Sometimes, it can be hard to remember the elementary school lessons on why we should see the things that make us different as good things, not bad things. Even in my twenties, I forget these lessons some days.

But, I like Earl Grey. It's not that I don't like change, it's that I don't feel I need to keep up with the times, to feel good about myself. I operate on a different frequency, and that's okay. It doesn't make me less, or weird, or even how we often use the word, "different." It just makes me, me.

Maybe I was born in the wrong century, or maybe I'm just me.

Maybe I'm on another wavelength, or maybe I'm just me.

Maybe no one understood what I said, but that's just me.

Maybe I didn't feel the binding forcefield of being unique, or maybe... I'm just me.

Maybe I like Earl Grey, and maybe, that's just me.

Earl me grey.


Felicia 
xo

The Bitter Tea Memory

You'll never forget that one time you drank bitter tea with a meal, then spent the entire night on the bathroom floor. And ever since then, you could never drink that one bitter flavour tea ever again, because it made you puke your guts.. bad memories.. (Well, the food probably did, but memory by association right?)

One of the things that conjures bad memories for me like the bad tea, and brings back that anxiety is passing a few girls from high school who instigated and were involved in the outrageous cyber and in-person bullying I experienced. Now before you close this post and assume its 'just another awareness-thing-and-personal-story-on-bullying' please know my focus, rather than raising awareness, although important, is to try and connect with you, my readers. (This is a heavy topic that is close to my heart and a very personal experience, which previously, I have only shared with my closest friends. Please respect my story, and my sharing of it, with only good intentions.) 

Unlike my previous posts, I offer no advice in this, except the following which I feel, though obvious, is necessary to say and is easier said than done: I regret that I didn't ask for help from a parent, teacher or someone with authority at the time, but my hope is that you do seek help, even if you think you can handle it yourself. We all have our time to be independent in due course, but this isn't a Superwoman-only problem. 

Back to bad memories. 

So I was 16 years old, "seeing" a guy before dating him, and the milestone was hit: someone returned my LIKE LIKE feelings after all those lonely years. Big deal for a teenage girl, #amiright? 

First, I was attacked online through Facebook messages, by his ex-girlfriend, his ex-rebound-hook-ups, and their friends. Wholly immature (C'mon, girls, grow up!), inappropriate, jealousy-driven, and unnecessary, but by this day and age, the cyber (online) bullying I faced was not as surprising as it should be for something so widely talked about and unaccepted. 

Second, it moved to in-person + online bullying. Blocking them on Facebook could stop the messages, but not their physical presence. Waiting around my locker or classrooms to talk about me and my new boyfriend, purposely trying to get on my nerves. Finding other ways to send messages fabricating stories about issues with him, which of course, scared the wits out of me. And I mean more scared than I am of scary movies. I was terrified of running into them every day. 

For a girl who could speak her mind since fourth grade without a care in the world, I had suddenly lost the words to stand up for myself. 

After two years of enduring this bullying throughout high school, university felt like the biggest relief to be freed of the torment. Bigger and better things, right?! I didn't realize it would follow me, despite the fact these girls were still in high school. Running into them at McDonald's, in the mall, I'd always think, "Yep, just my luck I'm running into them, even now." *sigh* 

Beyond the fact that these girls were originally associated with this boyfriend, even after he and I were no longer together, passing them in the mall or at the grocery store by chance still inflicts the anxiety and fear from over 5 years ago. 

To this day. 

What makes me sad is that even now, talking about it, writing about it, just like bringing up the bad, bitter tea memory, I realize it is an important part of my teenage years that I have not yet overcome. It still bothers me. I can't seem to let go of it yet. My stomach still drops, my heart beat is still too fast, and my chest is too constricted in fear for me to know if I have forgiven them yet. 

Maybe talking about it will help me work through these bad memories, and find it in me to forgive and look past the bullying I endured. Maybe it won't happen for a while. Maybe, sharing my story will help me see that I was the 'bigger person' by not reciprocating. But am I? 

I do know this: The "Mean Girls" world is very, very real. And that's not a good thing. And having the perspective to see the terrifying truth of this in my twenties now, I think it scares me most thinking about how long and how far girls will go to break the heart and soul of those whom they are jealous.

If you haven't experienced this it may sound like I'm making a mountain or of a molehill, something common that every teenage girl goes through. But if you have experienced something similar, you'll know it's a molehill that IS an unavoidable mountain, that constantly impedes on your life, and it shouldn't be common, accepted, or overlooked. 

Metaphor: Bad tea by association leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth, but one day you will be able to break the association and leave those memories in the past. And enjoy your tea. I believe that one day I will reach the point that I can pass those girls, and though I won't forget, I will not have the same reactions (the tea's bitter taste) as I once did. 

I haven't figured out how, but in the meantime, I'll add a little sugar to my tea and focus on the things that I love and make me feel loved, not worrying about the bitter bullies of the past. 

Felicia 

xx